Please note the recent appendix to the highway code:-
"In order to assist motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average driving ability to display a warning flag.
The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) must be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.
For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required."
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
...........And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out those unforgettable words............
"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!.. and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse sh*t, cow sh*t, bull sh*t....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.
Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.
He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.
The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
ಸೌರ್ಸ್: http://www.superlaugh.com/funpages/money-story.php
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
ಸಾರ್ಕ್: ಸುಪೆರ್ಲುಗ್.com
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.
He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"
"About 270 km," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.
"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."
I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.
A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was taken to hospital to recover from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked ! how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr.. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr.. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs.. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
ARE YOU AGED 18-30,female,slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and into politics? Then F**k off! I want a shit-thick 16 year old handbag bird with no opinions and massive tits!
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WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now!
ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all you valuables while you're out because we're thieving scally bastards.
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IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are f*cking trying to get some bastard sleep.
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ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the
black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control. Please write to me. I'd...ummmm...love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't worry, there’s nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm going to have a...ummm...a PARTY! Yes, that's it. A party.
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WANTED: COCAINE Lots of it.
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